Raising children in an evil world.

For as long as I can remember I always wanted to be a mother. I saw how much my parents loved us and I wanted that for myself. I wanted more than one child because I wanted them to have what I have with my siblings. 

Today I am 29 and have two wonderful children and hope to possibly have another some day. My oldest Dominic is 8, he is a sweet boy with a gentle soul. Ukiah is going to be 2 soon, he is my sweet little spitfire ginger. They are my world and I want nothing but the best for them. 

There has always been evil in this world and I know there always will be but in today's world I feel like there is a lot more of it than there used to be. Maybe this is because I am grown now and understand the things going on around me. I rarely watch the news anymore because of the horrors across the globe, however because of our wonderful social media I get my fill of it daily. I see everything from bullying to racism to murder and terrorism. 

As my children grow I wonder how will I be able to protect them from these evils, how do I teach them to protect themselves without allowing their hearts to turn cold? I don't want them to live in fear and heartbreak but don't want them to be desensitized to it all either. The atrocities committed by man lead me to believe that the human race is not capable of peace so how do I find a middle ground to help them become peaceful loving humans that are also capable of protecting themselves and doing what they need to do to survive. With everything that has happened recently this thought weighs more heavily on my mind. They have a while until they are grown but evil does not know age, I hope as they grow I am able to equip them with the coping and survival skills they need to make it on this planet we call home.

What they don't tell you

Becoming a mother is an amazing a wonderful thing. Getting that positive pregnancy test is both pure joy and overwhelming. For me, pregnancy itself was nothing short of miserable. I was sick almost the whole time and pretty uncomfortable however the end result was totally worth it. When people talk about being a mother they tell you how wonderful it is, how their children are the best thing that has ever happened to them. The love is like nothing they have ever experienced and it brings true happiness. All of these things are absolutely true, I love my children more than life itself and would do anything for them.

What they don't warn you about is how painful it is to be a mother. The thing about loving someone more than life itself is when they are hurting you are hurting, when there is nothing you can do to stop the pain for them it is almost unbearable but you can't let them see that. They don't tell you that when you have this person that a part of you, a piece of your heart walking around this earth, you don't know what fear is before them. Fear that you will fail them, that you will fail yourself. How will I ever be ready to see them suffer disappointment or heartbreak? Then there are the crippling fears, fears of sickness or injury and worst of all fear of losing them. I don't spend my days constantly worrying that I will lose them but when that thought creeps in to my mind I can't escape it, it is debilitating. I have come to realize I cannot imagine a world where my children were no longer here. I do not know how I would ever go on without them.There are so many wonderful things about being a mother and I would not trade it for the world but there is a lot more to it then that. Being a mother is the most painfully wonderful thing I will ever do.