Anxiety the invisible disease

At one point or another everyone has experienced anxiety in their life. Whether it was a job interview or maybe even a first date. Your heart races, you get a knot in your stomach, maybe even sweaty palms. No matter what symptoms of anxiety you experience I think we can all agree it is no fun.

So now I want you to think about the last time you felt anxious, now imagine feeling like that everyday. Imagine feeling like that and not knowing why half the time. One minute you are fine the next minute you want to crawl under your desk at work and start hyperventilating. It's like being hit by a Mack truck with debilitating fear, worry, or stress. It is physically painful and completely unnerving to know that you do not have control of your feelings in that moment. You want to run and hide but in most cases whether your an adult at work or a child in school running and hiding from the world isn't an option. When you can't remove yourself from the situation it often amplifies the anxiety, it really is a vicious cycle.

Not all anxiety attacks are a surprise, if I have to go out in public to a crowded place chances are my anxiety will shoot through the roof. Even simple adult tasks such as grocery shopping can be a painful experience. It's loud and crowded, I have yet to find a time of day that at least half my town isn't at the local grocery store. The smallest of things such as having to make a phone call or getting stuck in a conversation can trigger a full blown panic attack. It can be  awkward and outright embarrassing when you suddenly have to leave somewhere or turn down a friends invitation for the millionth time. People who do not suffer from anxiety typically don't get it. They don't get why you can't just get over it or why the smallest thing makes you want to cower in a corner where no one can see you.

More and more I am seeing the stigma that comes with mental illness addressed. We have to keep up the good fight and spread the word that dealing with things like anxiety and depression do not make you less of a person. It doesn't make you weird and it's not something to be ashamed of. Don't be afraid to let people know what you are going through and don't let anyone make you feel bad for going through it. We have got to stand together and let others know you are not alone. You are strong because you wake up everyday to fight the same battles you fought the night before but you still chose to get up.

Raising children in an evil world.

For as long as I can remember I always wanted to be a mother. I saw how much my parents loved us and I wanted that for myself. I wanted more than one child because I wanted them to have what I have with my siblings. 

Today I am 29 and have two wonderful children and hope to possibly have another some day. My oldest Dominic is 8, he is a sweet boy with a gentle soul. Ukiah is going to be 2 soon, he is my sweet little spitfire ginger. They are my world and I want nothing but the best for them. 

There has always been evil in this world and I know there always will be but in today's world I feel like there is a lot more of it than there used to be. Maybe this is because I am grown now and understand the things going on around me. I rarely watch the news anymore because of the horrors across the globe, however because of our wonderful social media I get my fill of it daily. I see everything from bullying to racism to murder and terrorism. 

As my children grow I wonder how will I be able to protect them from these evils, how do I teach them to protect themselves without allowing their hearts to turn cold? I don't want them to live in fear and heartbreak but don't want them to be desensitized to it all either. The atrocities committed by man lead me to believe that the human race is not capable of peace so how do I find a middle ground to help them become peaceful loving humans that are also capable of protecting themselves and doing what they need to do to survive. With everything that has happened recently this thought weighs more heavily on my mind. They have a while until they are grown but evil does not know age, I hope as they grow I am able to equip them with the coping and survival skills they need to make it on this planet we call home.

What they don't tell you

Becoming a mother is an amazing a wonderful thing. Getting that positive pregnancy test is both pure joy and overwhelming. For me, pregnancy itself was nothing short of miserable. I was sick almost the whole time and pretty uncomfortable however the end result was totally worth it. When people talk about being a mother they tell you how wonderful it is, how their children are the best thing that has ever happened to them. The love is like nothing they have ever experienced and it brings true happiness. All of these things are absolutely true, I love my children more than life itself and would do anything for them.

What they don't warn you about is how painful it is to be a mother. The thing about loving someone more than life itself is when they are hurting you are hurting, when there is nothing you can do to stop the pain for them it is almost unbearable but you can't let them see that. They don't tell you that when you have this person that a part of you, a piece of your heart walking around this earth, you don't know what fear is before them. Fear that you will fail them, that you will fail yourself. How will I ever be ready to see them suffer disappointment or heartbreak? Then there are the crippling fears, fears of sickness or injury and worst of all fear of losing them. I don't spend my days constantly worrying that I will lose them but when that thought creeps in to my mind I can't escape it, it is debilitating. I have come to realize I cannot imagine a world where my children were no longer here. I do not know how I would ever go on without them.There are so many wonderful things about being a mother and I would not trade it for the world but there is a lot more to it then that. Being a mother is the most painfully wonderful thing I will ever do.